All Puns Intended....

1. Two antennas met on a roof,
Fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much,
But the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you,
But don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar,
And one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar
With a slab of asphalt under his arm,
And says:
"A beer please,
And one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing
Next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially Inseminated
This morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries
An invisible woman.
The kids were nothing
To look at either.

10. Deja-Moo:
The feeling that you've heard
This bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage
Trousers the other day,
But I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital
After a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor,doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,
"I know you can't
I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco
Last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish
With no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other
And says,"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
Were chilly, so they lit a fire
In the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
Proving once again
That you can't have your kayak
And heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts
Checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby
Discussing their recent
Tournament victories.
After about an hour,
The manager came out of the office,
And asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked,
As they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts
Boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins,
And gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt,
And is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family
In Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture
Of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
She tells her husband
That she wishes she
Also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
You've seen Ahmal."

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,
Walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set
Of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little,
Which made him rather frail
And with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath...
This made him
A super-calloused fragile mystic
Hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally,
There was the person
Who sent twenty different puns
To his friends,
With the hope that at least
Ten of the puns
Would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!